Three's Company Story
by Sunshine423
Summary: Tom Riddle, Oliver Wood, and Percy Weasley fight over an apartment owned by Seamus and Dean. Includes Clue, Dance Dance Revolution and pie - and that's just the first chapter.
1. Story I

Disclaimer: Duh. This is a fanfic, therefore I don't own anything besides the story itself - which is actually kind of taken from a TV show.

Summary: Why do I need a summary? Just read the story.

Don't get confused - it's Seamus and Dean talking in the beginning and the whole group at the end. Dean is in italics, except for the actual text.

_ > > > > >_

**THREE'S COMPANY STORY**

with Tom, Percy, and Oliver Wood

It was a beautiful Tuesday morning. The birds were chirping. The sun was shining. The squirrels were doing... squirrel things.

And three young boys, fresh out of Hogwarts, were falling in love-

_They weren't falling in love! They were fighting over the apartment we put on sale._

Excuse me, Dean. I prefer the romantic telling of the story.

_What romance? They don't even _like_ each other._

They do, too, Dean! You just don't notice because you're too busy watching Digimon!

_It's a good show, Seamus! You should watch it, too!_

I'm sick of you, Dean! This relationship is over!

_Don't you walk away from me!_

SMACK!

... silence... followed by soft weeping...

_You hit me._

I'm sorry, Dean! I didn't know what I was doing.

_I can't believe you hit me._

I'm _so_ sorry, Dean. You know I love you and would never do anything to hurt you.

_What are you talking about? You just hit me!_

I said I was sorry! Geez, what more do I need to do?

_I don't know. Maybe you could not hit me, again!_

You started it! I was just trying to tell the story - but, no! You had to put your two-cents in! More like a freaking quarter!

_What! That doesn't even make sense!_

Ha ha! Cents - sense. That's cute.

_Oh my, gosh, Seamus. Just stop talking._

But-

_Just _stop_ talking._

... 20 second pause...

_Why were we here, again?_

We were talking about the three boys in room 111.

_Oh, right. Tom, Percy, and Oliver Wood._

The lovers.

_Death Stare _

_I remember it like it was yesterday._

It _was_ yesterday.

_Shut-up, Seamus._

_It was a Tuesday. I remember because that was the day Tai finally figures out his sister, Kari, is the eighth digi-destined._

_I was sitting in my easy chair, wondering if I was out of shampoo, when this loud, annoying ringing was coming from the other room, followed by a rather annoying voice..._

"Hello! Is anyone here? Someone should be here if someone owns this building! According to article 557, of the Wizard's Apartment Owners' Manual, issue 13, 'no apartment owners may leave their building unattended, when -' Ahh!"

A cow fell on the red-haired, former-prefect and silenced his complaints.

Dean walked out of his living room to see what all the commotion was.

"What's going on? I'm trying to witness the exciting conclusion of this week's Digimon!"

Seamus ran down the stairs.

"Oh, goodness gracious! Did that cow fall on anyone? I was just cleaning out the apartment for potential buyers."

Percy pushed the cow off of him - miraculaously recovered - and proceeded to complain.

"Why is there a cow in that apartment? Don't you know, that the Wizard's Apartment Sanitation Committee banned all farm animals in housing establishments, as of last March? You should, because you're an apartment owner and apartment owners should know that."

"Shut-up, Percy. What do you want?" Dean demanded.

(Rather rudely, I might add.)

(_Shut-up, Seamus._)

Percy held up the classified section of the Daily Prophet. The ad said:

APARTMENT FOR RENT!

50 GALLEONS A MONTH; NO PETS; FAINT COW SMELL

"I claim this apartment."

Dean looked at the ad - but, he couldn't read, so it meant nothing to him.

"Okay," Seamus said and handed him a 90 page booklet. "Fill this out and the room is yours."

Percy took the booklet and left, Dean went back to watching Digimon, and Seamus took a long walk on the beach with his pet cow, Myrtle.

Just as Matt was slamming his head against the wall, that annoying ringing started up, again.

Dean stormed out, into the lobby area, demanding silence and french fries.

Sitting on the counter was a small brown package labeled: VERY FRAGILE! OPEN IMMEDIATELY!

But since Dean couldn't read, he picked up the package and violently shook it.

"Hmm... sounds like a book."

He hit it against the counter a few times.

"Yep. Definately a book."

Seamus walked in, and Myrtle was close behind.

"What's that?"

Dean tossed him the package, but Seamus doesn't catch well, and he dropped it. Myrtle freaked out and stepped on it.

"Whoops." Seamus bent down to pick it up. "It says to open it." So, he did.

It was a leather bound journal, horribly smashed up, now.

Seamus opened it and black ink magically scribed on the page.

"Eww... there's some gunk on the page." Seamus ripped out the first page and ink magically appeared on the next page. So, Seamus ripped out that page, too.

"What's wrong with this book? All the pages are icky."

Eventually, Seamus ripped out all the pages and Myrtle was eating them off the floor.

"Stop! Stop!" screamed a voice from no where in particular.

Tom Riddle, looking more evil than usual, charged in, spittting mad.

"You idiots! Can't you read? I said to handle it _carefully_. Not feed it to your bloody cow! I was trying to make a cool entrance, but now the portkey is probably dissolved in stomache acid!"

Dean wiped the spit off of his face.

"Did you want something?"

Tom pulled out the Daily Prophet, showing the same ad Percy had.

"I want it." Before they could reply, Tom added, "I'll take it. It would perfectly suit my evil, secret lair."

Tom left the soggy landlords to check out his new hideout.

Suddenly, Oliver Wood, trailed by three Bond girls, sashayed his way in.

"I understand there is a room available?"

Oliver flashed his brilliantly handsome smile, causing Seamus to get a nose bleed.

"Uh... actually, two buyers have already asked for that room," Dean said, "But, if you'll leave me your phone number-"

Seamus gave him the Frau look.

"I mean, I'm sorry. That room is taken."

Oliver put his hands on his hips and stuck his jaw out.

"I'm ready for a challenge. Who are my opponents?"

"Well, this isn't really-"

"I've finished the paperwork," Percy announced, coming in the door.

"Eww. It smells like cow up here," Tom said, racing down the stairs, "Who are these people?"

"I am Percy Weasley, former prefect of the House of Griffindor, in Hogwarts, school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and current tenant in this building. Who are you?"

"I am Tom Marvolo Riddle, former prefect of the House of Slytherin, in Hogwarts, school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, evil-genius extrodinaire, and current tenant in this building."

"I am Oliver Wood, Quidditch super star, really hot guy, and currently gonna cream you guys for this apartment!"

The Bond girls proceeded to cheer Oliver on and misspell his name.

Tom and Percy turned to Seamus and Dean.

"So, who's apartment is this?"

"Yeah! Who's apartment is this?"

"Don't repeat what I said."

"I'm not. You repeated what I said."

"That's impossible. I said it first!"

"Well, you've obviously got that hourglass thing Hermoine had in the third book."

"Do not!"

"Do, too! What is that necklace you're wearing, then?"

"My mom gave this to me!"

"Oh, yeah? Right before you killed her?"

All was silent, except for Dean chewing popcorn.

The tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife - which is what Seamus did so he could keep watching.

Tom let out a battle cry, similar to Xena's, and pounced on Percy with the ferocity of Amy's cat, Cody.

Percy let out a girly scream, as Tom continued to slap him.

"Hey, I want in on the action."

So, Oliver tackled both boys and started to beat them up.

"Oliver! Oliver! He's our man! If he can't do it... we're screwed! Yay!"

Oliver paused in his violence to blow a kiss at the Bond girls - who promptly fainted - and continued with is demolition.

Nicole stood in the background taking pictures.

After an hour or so of this, Dean felt it was time for him to step in.

"Alright, alright. Break it up."

Once the three were up and standing, Dean went on.

"Now, we've got a situation. You three want the same apartment, but there's only one apartment for rent. Who should get the apartment?"

"I should. I got here first and filled out all the paperwork," Percy said, holding up the 90 page booklet.

"Oh, thanks," Seamus said, taking it from him, "That wasn't actually for the apartment. I just needed someone to do my taxes."  
"I should get the apartment, because I'm smarter and I'll pay more," Tom said, flashing some coin.

"I should get the apartment, because I'm dreamy," Oliver Wood said.

Seamus and Dean exchanged looks.

"Okay, Oliver wins."

"Wait!" Tom stepped in. "Oliver, you said you wanted a challenge?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, let's have a race! Winner gets the apartment."

"Okay, I'll give you guys a head start," Oliver, very kindly, offered, "1.2.3.4.5! I win!"

Oliver had his hand on the cow.

Tom and Percy looked at him, dumbfounded.

"Why do you win?"

"I touched the cow first."

"Who said the cow was the finish?"

"No one."

"Exactly."

"But, no one said it was anything else, so, logically, it was the cow."

Seamus and Dean nodded in agreement.

"Oliver Wood wins."

The Bond girls cheered.

"No! I demand a rematch!"

There were groans from the Peanuts gallery - but not from Snoopy, because dogs don't groan.

Percy glared at them.

Oliver Wood grinned, happily. He liked competition.

"Name the game."

"I choose... Clue!"

Everyone gasped. Dean, too, causing him to inhale a popcorn kernel.

Seamus brought out the board game and set it up.

"I'm Professor Plum!"

"I'm Col. Mustard!"

"I'm Mrs. White!"

Everyone started at Tom.

"What? I like aprons. Is that so wrong?"

The three began the game and it carried on for several minutes, until...

"Miss Scarlet, in the lavatory, with the spork," Tom correctly surmised.

"So Ein Mist!" Percy said, throwing down his cards. "I want another rematch!"

"What? You mean a re-rematch?"

"Yes. A re-rematch. This time, I choose Dance Dance Revolution."

The gang went down to the local arcade where more Bond girls gathered, and some asians.

First up was Tom. He danced so stiffly, he made the machine break down.

After the machine was repaired, Oliver Wood took his turn. His moves were super saavy, but he had terrible coordination and never hit any of the right buttons.

Last up was Percy. The boos quickly became cheers as he managed to nail every move perfectly. He finished with a score of 100 - A.

"Wow, Percy. How'd you do that so well?"

"He practices every day, for hours. It's why he lost his job and can't afford a better apartment," Ron said, randomly appearing in this story.

"Shut-up, Ron. It doesn't matter, because I won, so I get the apartment."

"But I won at Clue!"

"And I won the race!"

"I have a perfect solution to your problem," Seamus cut in, "Why don't you all live together?"

"Yeah! And so you don't have to figure out what 1/3rd of 50 Galleons is, I'll just triple the rent!"

"Wow! That's a great idea!"

"Yeah! You're so smart, Dean."

"And really handsome-"

Okay! Cut! We never agreed to that!

Yeah! There's no way we're paying three times the rent.

_But you guys signed the contract._

What contract?

_The one I gave Oliver._

(Tom and Percy look at Oliver Wood, who is eating a pie.)

What?

Oliver, did you sign a contract?

Maybe.

Where'd you get that pie?

He said I could keep it, if I signed the contract.

What!

... choking noises are heard...

How could you let Dean triple our rent for a pie!

I... like... pie... (choke)...

Don't kill him! Then we'll have to pay even more!

Fine. But, I get dibs on the bedroom!

No fair! I wanted the bedroom!

First one there, gets it!

There!

What?

You're touching the cow, again, Oliver.

You never said where "there" was.

Oh, no. You're not pulling that crap, again.

What crap? It's completely valid.

No, it's not!

(Bickering continues in the background.)

_And that concludes the tale of the boys in room 111. This is Seamus and Dean, and these are the days of our lives._

_ > > > > >_

So, that's it. Did you like it? I like it. A couple of my friends liked it. You should like it, too.

Oh, just to clarify, Nicole is my friend who likes to take pictures of boys going at it - just a hobby. And Amy is my other friend who had a lot of cats - Cody being the only one she likes. The Bond girls are from James Bond - duh. They hang around Oliver Wood because he's hot. Myrtle isn't from The Great Gatsby - because she's not cool enough to be a cow. Myrtle is just a really good name for a cow - sure beats Betsy and Rosey and Fatso, etc.

Thanks for reading. : )


	2. Story II

Disclaimer: I own as much as I did last time.

Summary: See below - you know, under the title.

So, if you're reading this one, I'm assuming you've read the first one. If you haven't, READ IT! Everybody loves it. Ebert and Roeper gave it two thumbs up. Even the Daily Planet had a two-page, front cover article on the rave reviews it got!

Okay, I made that up. But you should still read the first one first. That's why it's the first one. This one isn't as good, but what can you expect from a sequel?

This time, Seamus is in italics.

_> > > > >_

**THREE'S COMPANY STORY II**

with Tom, Percy, and Oliver Wood

Some people suffer from alcholism. Some can't stop gambling. There are even some who are addicted to their work... (cough) Batman (cough)...

But, Percy Weasley, former prefect at Hogwarts and current resident in room 111, has the worst addiction of all - DDRism.

Yes, the ideal student, although, a tad bit annoying, of Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, suffers from the growing epidemic that is putting a crutch in today's society.

Dance Dance Revolution, originating from Japan, is taking this generation by storm, causing good, decent teens to dance like idiots. They are then subjected to a grading system based on how the computer rates your performance. Those with good grades may feel satisfied and stop playing. Those with bad grades tend to repeat attempts for an A, or commit suicide.

Oh, DDR is quite a dangerous game. Not for the weak at heart. I would say-

_Shut up, Dean, and get on with the story!_

(ahem)

Percy Weasley lives in apartment 111 with two others: Tom Riddle and Oliver Wood.

One day, Tom demanded Percy see help about his DDR addiction.

Percy denied it, of course, although all the classic signs were there: humming DDR music, lack of quarters, walking forward, backward, side-to-side, then jumping 90 degrees four times.

"You need help, Percy," Tom said, "This has gone on for long enough."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Percy said, landing a perfect spiral, one and a half summersault.

"All this dancing around! Yesterday, I was trying to work out a potion and just as I was adding the last ingredient, you started jumping, I put it in the wrong vile and-" Tom pulled off the nightcap he was wearing. "My hair turned pink!"

Oliver Wood, who was watching Saturday morning cartoons, started to chew on Tom's hair.

"Gross! What are you doing?"

"I thought it was cotton candy." He then went out for a hot dog.

"I can't be an evil genius with pink hair, Percy. It just doesn't work. You need to get some help."

"I'm telling you, Tom, I don't need help." He proceeded to do the Charleston.

"I didn't want to have to do this. Broccoli men!" Tom clapped his hands and three oversized broccoli men came out of the closet. "Seize the red-haired one and take him to Dance Dance Revolutioners Anonomous."

The broccoli men apprehended Tom.

"Stop! I said the _red_-haired one! I have _pink_ hair!"

The broccoli men dropped Tom and went after Percy, who was "hustling" out the door.

Big and stupid, as broccoli men are, they got stuck in the doorway and allowed Percy enough time to get away.

Oliver Wood was upset. All the Saturday morning cartoons were reruns, Tom's hair tasted bad, and the hot dog cart ran out of hot dogs.

Actually, first he ran out of money, stole the hot dog cart, and then ran out of hot dogs. So, now he was stuck with empty pockets, an empty stomache, and an empty hot dog cart.

Oliver Wood didn't know what to do... until he saw Percy running down the street. Well, he _saw_ Percy, but he was staring more closely at the three broccoli men chasing after him.

"Mmm... broccoli...," Oliver murmered before dashing after the big vegies.

Being as athletic as the young Quidditch player that he was, it took no time to catch up and devour the first broccoli man. Then the next. Then the next.

But still, Oliver's stomache was unsatisfied. He wondered if he was pregnant.

Snape had seen a lot of weird stuff in his life. He _had_ been a teacher at Hogwarts, you know, before Harry Potter lost it and demolished the school - "it" of course being his prized Yu-Gi-Oh! cards.

But now, Snape had retired from that and was a licensed doctor, making his money by selling organs on the Japanese blackmarket, so he never expected a request this unusual to be asked of him.

"Excuse me? Dr. Snape?" Oliver Wood sat blinking at the paralyzed practician in confusion. "Don't you do pregnancy tests here?"

Snape recomposed himself by adjusting the Warner Bros. tie he got as an anniversary gift from Lupin.

"We _do_ do that here, Mr. Wood. Although, it's... uncommon for... a being such as yourself."

"Oh, I see," Oliver Wood said, looking discouraged, "You don't test Scottsmen."

"No, no, no! It's not like that. We, uh...," Snape looked around his office for some inspiration during this brain numbing experience, "We need more information."  
"Information?"

"Yes. Like the child's... other... parent."

"You mean my baby's daddy."

"Sure."

"Alright." Oliver Wood got up. "I'll come back when I figure out who my baby's daddy is." He left.

Snape rubbed his temples.

This was no way to recover from his temporary bout of insanity - curse that Harry Potter. The doctor said plenty of bedrest and a healthy supply of Gundam Seed. Not to provide medical advice to male pregnancy patients.

Maybe it was time to kick the bucket.

Snape pulled out a pail from his closet and kicked it.

The pail broke the window. Snape peered out to see if he'd avoided a lawsuit. Instead, what he saw was Oliver Wood. Snape nearly fainted when he heard him cheerfully ask, "Are you my baby's daddy?"

Percy was ready to admit he had a problem.

This problem was Tom.

Tom M. Riddle was the thorn in Percy's side, always complaining and nagging and sending broccoli men after him. Percy just wanted it to stop. So, he formed a plan: Get rid of Tom.

The details hadn't been created yet, but Percy was proud to have the general idea down. So proud, in fact, he decided to celebrate with a game of DDR.

Percy grooved on down to the arcade, where he was ambushed!

_!GASP!_

A blue-haired evil-genius walked into the dim glow of the streetlight - which was unnecessarily lit, since the sun was out.

"So, Percy. We meet again."

"Tom," Percy said, from his hanging position in the net, "Imagine running into you here. What can I do for you?"

"These gentlemen," Tom gestured to Percy's ambushers, two hulking bananas-

_B-A-N-A-S-N-A-_

Shut-up, Seamus!

Anyway, Tom said, "These gentlemen will take you to DDRA, where you can get better."

"Knoooooooooooow!" Percy screamed in the wrong context.

"I know you hate me now, but wait till you get better." Tom patted him on the back. "Then you'll hate me even more."

The bananas carried away the pathetic former-prefect to the dance treatment center.

Tom looked around and spotted a Tetris machine.

_Well, while I'm here_, Tom thought to himself, inserting a couple quarters.

"Are you his baby's daddy?" Snape asked, with shock.

"I think so. It was crazy that night. I don't who I impregnated," admitted the friendly, neighborhood Spider-man.

"Can't you do a test to check if he's my baby's daddy?" Oliver Wood asked.

"Um... yes. Let's just run those tests. It will take a couple hours, so maybe you two should discuss legal guardianship, child support, maybe... marriage."

Oliver Wood and Spider-man looked at each other, obviously thinking the same thing.

"I'm too hot for him," Oliver said.

Spider-man nodded. "It's true. There's a reason I wear this mask."

"Okay, then. You two can discuss things further in the conference room across the hall." Snape pointed out the door.

Oliver Wood and Spider-man headed into the conference room discussing babies, bottles and the last episode of the O.C.

Snape sighed with relief and began spreading peanut butter on his desk.

(filed at the Critical Video Gamers Institue, by Dr. Pepper):

_Patient 8675309 has exhibited a severe addiction to the Japanese game, Dance Dance Revolution, also referred to as DDR._

_I first psychoanalysed the patient in an hour long therapy session to determine his relationship with his mother._

_He was then subjected to shock therapy conducted by myself. (heh, heh)_

_The patient was becoming hysterical, so I allowed him to be tranquilized._

_There was a mix-up with the darts and now the patient is in a comatose state. No word has been reported on his recovery. We can only hope his condition improves - or his insurance clears._

_Grocery List:__  
- milk__  
- eggs  
__- bread  
__- cheese  
__- those cute little koala bear yummies_

(end of document)

It was a hard day for the tenants of room 111.

Percy was put in a coma, Tom's hair keeps changing colors, and Oliver Wood got the most upsetting news.

Snape tried to explain to him how Oliver's physique could not possibly handle a child. Oliver retorted with, "Are you kidding? Didn't you see me last year? We won the Quidditch Cup with me!"

Snape then tried to explain the differences between males and females, but Oliver plugged his ears, shut his eyes, and chanted, "happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts," so, Snape stopped.

Finally, Snape just told him he lost the baby. Oliver started to cry and muttered, "What?... When?... Was I out of the room?"

Snape finished off his bottle of aspirin and called Tom to pick Oliver up, but Tom was still at the arcade.

It was sadly ironic, but as Percy was being treated for his addiction, Tom was developing one of his own - to the fast-paced world of Tetris.

Yes, the hair-color-changing, former-Slytherin-prefect, evil-genius of the 80s, 90s, and today, became hooked to the block-dropping phenomenon.

He was promptly picked up by the same mental institute he'd sent Percy to.

Now, with the combined efforts of Tom and Percy (Tom woke him up by singing the Gilligan's Island theme song), they managed to escap the clutches of Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb (Dr. Pepper's alter-ego). They, then, swung by Snape's office and picked up Oliver Wood, who was still muttering about his miscarriage.

The three returned to the apartment, where they've locked themselves in for three days past their rent due date.

They are fortunate to have such a kind, gentle-hearted, understanding landlord, whose most handsome and attractive-

_Shut-up, Dean. You tried to "smoke" them out. If I hadn't stopped you, you'd have burned down the whole building!_

It would've worked, if you hadn't put the fire out right away!

_I was trying to save the building!_

Liar!

_What did you call me!_

A liar! Liar, liar, liar! Liar!

_(sob) Why are you yelling at me? (sob)_

Gosh, I'm sorry, Seamus. I didn't mean it.

_Yes, you did. You hate me!_

No-

_It's because I'm fat!_

No! You're not fat.

_I am! (sob) I wish I were dead! (sob)_

(Chuck Norris walks in)

You're not fat, or at least you won't be once you buy the Total 1,000,000! Turn that blubber into rock-hard muscle! See how easy it is.

(Chuck Norris begins using the Total 1,000,000)

As... you can see... this machine... works your abs... and your biceps-

(Tom sticks his green-haired head out the door)

Shut-up! We're trying to watch Digimon in here!

What? Digimon!

(Dean crashes through room 111's door)

_So, you work your abs _and_ your biceps?_

(Walter Cronkite walks in)

And that's the way it is.

_> > > > >_

Is that what Walter Cronkite says? Is that how you spell Cronkite? I'm not sure but it sounds good so I'm leaving it.

What'd you think of this one? Yes, it's lesser than the first, but how do you top that? I mean, come on, _that_ was a masterpiece.

Okay, I'm done inflating my ego... but you're welcome to in your reviews!

Thanks for reading. : )


End file.
